California dreaming

1. The quintessential breederdyke dream

I'm ship's captain on the Copenhagen to Rejkavik run, when I discover that I'm having Bjork's baby. Since we're both women we're not sure how this happened. Anyway, I write my memoirs. They're a huge success. So I'm sitting in a bookstore signing copies when Courtney Love rushes over in a pretty green dress. "Rach, why don't you ever return my calls?" she says, bursting into tears. "You know how much I love you!"

I wake up and say to Bebe: "I just had the funniest dream." She yawns and goes back to sleep.

2. All the Arquettes

Rach: I had another quintessential breederdyke dream.

J: Mmm-hm.

R: I was on a yacht with the Arquettes. ALL the Arquettes. The eldest one, Michael, was making French omelettes and they were all telling stories about the bad old days with the Arquette Family Circus Trapeze Troupe, when their stepmother Joan Crawford used to beat them with coathangers till the coathangers broke.

J: Ah-hah.

R: Then Kirsty called to say she was in Sacramento, and by the time I got back to sleep they'd finished all the omelette.

J: Poor Rach! And you were hungry.

R: *And* it smelled good. There isn't a Michael Arquette, is there?

J: Don't think so.

R: Well, David and Alexis were there, and so were Rosanna and Patricia. Plus there were a whole bunch of hip-high and knee-high auxiliary Arquettes.

J: Arquette-lets.

Thursday, September 24, 1998. Happy birthday, Jo and Al.
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